My whole life I thought I had to live a life that I could present to myself at the end. Now I realize I have to live a life I’m pleased with. This is a new game.
So I still have this low key existential crisis thing going on. I always had an ultimate meaning to point to to say “this is point of life.”, “this will serve ultimate justice”, “this is guiding everything and is making sure my life goes ok”. As I am no longer theist I do not have those comforting reminders. I’m afraid I’m slipping into nihilism. I just see everything as meaningless and accidental; a product of practical and physical explanation. I am interested in Stoicism and logotherapy but I am unconvinced. I am aware that I want to be convinced. I would absolutely love to be convinced of all of Catholicism for that matter. I truly would. I wish with all my heart that it was all true. I think it is so beautiful and wonderful. It is just all false. I suppose I will spend the rest of my life grappling with this one. Oh dear.