I write my thoughts with the sincerest hope that one day I will have earned them the significance to be read.
So I still have this low key existential crisis thing going on. I always had an ultimate meaning to point to to say “this is point of life.”, “this will serve ultimate justice”, “this is guiding everything and is making sure my life goes ok”. As I am no longer theist I do not have those comforting reminders. I’m afraid I’m slipping into nihilism. I just see everything as meaningless and accidental; a product of practical and physical explanation. I am interested in Stoicism and logotherapy but I am unconvinced. I am aware that I want to be convinced. I would absolutely love to be convinced of all of Catholicism for that matter. I truly would. I wish with all my heart that it was all true. I think it is so beautiful and wonderful. It is just all false. I suppose I will spend the rest of my life grappling with this one. Oh dear.
I’m up alone so of course I’m lonely. It always annoys me the particular people I feel the urge to reach out to when I’m feeling lonely. It’s some sort of psychological pattern. Hmmm. Well whatever the priming, I really want to talk to Liam. I guess talking to him somehow makes me feel connected. I feel safer contacting him under the guise of lust. It’s safe. I don’t want to admit I’m lonely. This is just selfish, I should let Liam be. He’s not there to comfort me every time I decide to stay up on adderall and get lonely. If I really loved him I would let him be.
I hate my tattoo. The shame, regret, and sour nostalgia it holds all but seize my emotions. So much so that it is hard to uncap them on this page. Could it really be that easy? Would this random guy I met practically by chance provide the undo button? Just like that? Can I let the last thing go. I’m really happy but it’s kind of sobering honestly. I’m in utter disbelief.