I’m trying to get all my priorities straight. I’m trying to figure out exactly what I need to do to be successful. It almost seems like too many things to focus on; get all A’s, pick the right grad school, ace the GRE, pay bills, make money, try to keep up my own sanity. I need to operate on a higher caliber. No more lying around. I have been succeeding but I can do more. I know I can do more.
My oldest sister shocked us when she revealed that her husband of 8 years has discovered that he is transgender and had begun transitioning into a woman. Their 7 year old daughter was also questioning her gender and dressed/identified as a boy for several months. I haven’t talked much with my sister in the past year. I think she is angry with me because I did not support her letting her young daughter change her gender. Most of my family is deeply religious and although they love my sister and her children they do not support her living with a transgender partner. I honestly do not feel qualified to really comment on the transgender issue. I don’t know much about it and I feel in so position to pass judgement. My sister finally agreed to have dinner with me tonight. I just want my sister back. I want her and her children to be happy and healthy both physically and mentally. It’s not my place to judge or intervene with the gender issues. I hope it goes well….
I’m up alone so of course I’m lonely. It always annoys me the particular people I feel the urge to reach out to when I’m feeling lonely. It’s some sort of psychological pattern. Hmmm. Well whatever the priming, I really want to talk to Liam. I guess talking to him somehow makes me feel connected. I feel safer contacting him under the guise of lust. It’s safe. I don’t want to admit I’m lonely. This is just selfish, I should let Liam be. He’s not there to comfort me every time I decide to stay up on adderall and get lonely. If I really loved him I would let him be.
I hate my tattoo. The shame, regret, and sour nostalgia it holds all but seize my emotions. So much so that it is hard to uncap them on this page. Could it really be that easy? Would this random guy I met practically by chance provide the undo button? Just like that? Can I let the last thing go. I’m really happy but it’s kind of sobering honestly. I’m in utter disbelief.